Here comes life knocking at my door. Around 2006 my brain experiences a different environment within itself. The neurochemistry within my brain decides to go on an adventurous trip. That’s how my world turns upside down. So I started experiencing these weird conversations in my brain, as if brain and heart are sitting around a table and having lots to debate upon. I see another chair in which I sit and listen attentively to what these two have to talk about.
I was tormented when they would get into an argument over my life choices….so should we continue with B.Sc Geology or B.Sc Nursing? , should we be in a relationship right now, is this guy sustainable enough for marriage and children? In the midst of this chaos in my head I took decisions depending on who would win the argument most. So when my rational brain won the battle, I chose B.Sc Nursing and after 1.5 years when my emotional heart won, I chose to boycott B.Sc Nursing. Similarly, I started projects and never landed ending them. So after Nursing this happened to D.Ed(Diploma in Education), a beautiful 3 years relationship, a computer teacher job and eventually I broke down…..emotionally and mentally exhausted. I thought let me try one thing that I may succeed at and that was a suicide attempt. It was almost successful if I wasn’t taken to the ICU at the right moment, in my dad’s arms. All I remember is my breath shutting down and my eyelids closing and the ceiling was gone outta my vision. After 3 days , the ICU helped me gain back my breathing.
U see, after this you can’t just walk out of the hospital and head back to your normal life. You will be questioned and that too a lot. Phew! Also there will be therapeutic steps taken. So from there on my hospital journey began. I met this Psychiatrist, during my teenage years. All I remember being interested in was that big beautiful, colourful caterpillar soft toy that was right behind her in that shelf. Again, just like the Amethyst stone that I longed this too remained in the longed to have it list. I didn’t ask her. She was busy being a doctor. From there my journey began, shock therapy to medications to psychotherapy(counseling). So, there were times when I would feel all sleepy and happy or else sleepy and droopy. However, the conversations in my head began to reduce from an argument to plain discussions. I had crossed my 20s by then . When I met my psychotherapist for the first time, my parents worried that I may not continue with this doctor. However, what they did not know then was, first look at him and I developed a huge crush on him. When he spoke I was just lost and I felt all he said was absolutely right. Those moments when breeze enters from the window and blows over and you just get lost on ‘awww how cute is he?’ and eventually say ‘yes , you are right’ whenever there was a pause…..hehehe. Well I didn’t go to express my feelings to him. I told my brother. He is good secret keeper. That’s what siblings are for. So a good mix of pharmacotherapy + couselling helped me fight depression. I felt much better, more confident and my self-esteem was up.
Well, I am a risk taker and I love an adventurous life. Back in those days, Orkut was quite famous. I made an account. I enjoyed it. One day I got a friend request from a guy I knew. This is the guy who,in 2002, during my 10th standard would meet me at my house. We would sit on our white big swing and speak for long about school, his 11th standard and life back at home. All this would take place while my dad would be watering his wonderful green plants. Well now when I think of it, guys, that’s the way parents are just keeping a watch on you and listening to your conversations. I’m sure the plants would have been like ‘hello, we are not thirsty right now. Why the change in routine today?’. Well our conversation went ahead from there, we became close friends. One day he gifted me a keychain that had a grain of rice in it with my name written on that rice grain. Well I loved it especially the fluorescent green liquid it was floating in. I used it as a keychain for my bicycle key. So later I gave him a call from my landline and asked him to come over since I had bought a gift for him. This guy was sitting having a good conversation with his best friend. However, he left him, took his bike and inspite of the rain that day he came home drenched. We gave him a towel to dry his hair , my brothers jacket and warm tea. Later I come with the gift. He excitingly opened it and found a Bible inside. He said thanks and left. The next day he came home and told me that he really loved me however when he received my gift, he thought that our wavelenghts did’t match. I didn’t find it surprising that he loved me for I saw it coming, however I wasn’t at that phase yet.
So when it came to Orkut friend request after almost 5-6 years I hesitated to accept it from him. Instead I accepted a random strangers request. I started working in a reputed company alongwith this new guy. We would go to night work shifts together. He was a good dancer just like me so we would go to many disco parties. We bonded well and landed up getting married in 2007. Hey, back then I was like ‘wow, I have a cool job paying me well, I have my dream coming true-marriage and hubby, so finally I am settling’ . However, just like my other projects this too ended after almost 2 years. The separation and divorce years were lonely,painful and involved whatever that could prevent me from hitting into depression again. My family and relatives were worried. I could see it in their eyes. One gift that has always surrounded me through troubled times was my family and relatives’ love, care and support. I am and will always be grateful for that.
Gods grace I decided to fight this by catching up on my education. I joined B.A. Psychology program. I made sure to thoroughly enjoy my lost college days. Yes, I was way elder to my college mates but guess what, there were 2 nuns who were around my age and the fourth one who joined our group was the youngest, yet so mature that she quickly blended with us. Stories from my college life will unfold in the next blog.
Until then, let’s take a break. @jen