All for the good.

First of all, Happy New year to all. Enjoy this year to the fullest. Loads of love to all of you.

It’s been a rollercoaster ride since last write-up. The month of November and December drained me mentally as I had so many people gathered at home. Long back it used to be a good moment for me, having my nieces around , her parents, her maternal grandparents,etc however it is solely because of my mental health that now all this seems to me a huge crowd that makes me claustrophobic resulting in anxiety-panic attacks and migraines and I run out of the house to be alone. So please don’t misunderstand me , my family is adorable and my nieces are a bundle of joy however it’s only due to me that I tend to push people away from me.

Besides those were the months when my withdrawal of Toficalm meds were going on. Yes, ofcourse it was tough but I managed to get through it. Also my family were troubled seeing me breathless and panicky most of the time running around for some peace of mind. However, how much could they do to avoid the contents of my brain from experiencing trauma. I pity them , that they have to bear with my mental condition.

I would cry within as I could not play much with my adorable nieces. I tried to spend time as much as I could.

Well, once all left and I was back to my house with mum and dad, I was at peace. It was then, that I decided to work on myself and get fit. To be honest, since Feb 2018 to Dec 2018 I put on 18 kilograms of weight. This took a toll on my L4-L5 disc prolapse and also on my mental health. It came to a point where after eating I would get palpitations and then panicky. I felt stressed quite easily, my moods were fluctuating quickly.

I thought to myself ‘I ain’t gonna wait for a new year and then begin. I will start off slowly now- mid December’

It is difficult to leave fast food. It took baby steps. So initially I avoided fast food on weekdays and shifted it to weekends….focused on yoga for few days….trust me it was stressful. Leaving food after you have loved it to such an extent, is an OMG moment. It’s almost like going through a heartbreak.

Then comes January 2019 and by now my mind is a little trained to let go of my unhealthy lifestyle.

I would also like to mention what all encouraged me to come to this stage. My mum, dad, brother and my husband said few words that triggered my brain to let go.

Yes, my husband , the man with whom I wasn’t in talking terms for over 2 months. So there was a day when my husband called me and said ‘we needed to talk.’ He said, he messed up and realizes that marriage and it’s responsibility ain’t his cup of tea, hence landed up spoiling my life around marriage. However, he is sure of one thing, he loves me and doesn’t want to loose me, hence he wants to give us another chance. After 2 months of ‘no talk -no meet’ phase I was hesitant to give it another chance for I was scared ‘what if he breaks my heart again? what if I get attached to him and he decides to sprint again?’ I wasn’t sure ,but deep down I knew I missed him in those 2 months and the kind of bond we had shared over 8 years was one of a kind. However, I cautioned myself to not expect much out of him. I will stay with my family and he will stay with his . We will meet eachother at my house over the weekend. That’s it. I can’t expect this guy to give me my dreams of having a family, a home….he ain’t strong enough to handle my mental condition and a home. Would I want a companion who can’t be my support system? Nope, but do I want to keep in touch with this guy whom I love a lot, gel well and talk anything under the sun or even moon for that matter. Yes, I would like to keep in touch. He informed his family and as usual my dear mother-in-law blamed me for everything…however since he stood strong on what the truth is they understood that the fault lies elsewhere and that I tried my level best. I was glad that my husband took this step of explaining to his parents.

So here we are , enjoying our weekends together, talking laughing and living each moment to the fullest- thinking ‘don’t know how long it may last’….

Back to the encouraging words….in a conversation my brother said that “nowadays availability of fast food is so easy with the food delivery system . Soon we will become addicted to food and in the clutches of this food system, and withdrawal will be difficult.” That was it for me. I wondered he is right. It is all a business plan. Wherever you see there are pictures of food and delivery systems. It is truly tempting. I must stop falling for it. Next came mum’s worry “Jen, when will you stop gobbling food…please try and chew it slow atleast”.. Dad’s the more paranoid one, so he went like “yes, yes keep eating and blow up like a balloon” and even snatched away the plate of food I was eating….lol. Dad and me fight a lot but we are eachothers favourite…😊

The nail to the coffin was Albin, my hubby’s words…He said ” Jen, by God’s grace your disc is taking your weight but for how long should you test it. All I know that if you put your mind to it, then nothing can beat your willpower. You are too good at it” . His words sealed it for me….then onwards I have been monitoring my weight. Having healthy meals and making sure I cook my meals. Avoiding fast food. Decaf yes, with brown sugar. Early morning warm water with honey and apple cider vinegar. Doing household chores. Most important walk daily for half an hour. It’s been 3 weeks since the shift to a healthy lifestyle. Trust me it can get boring but is it fruitful. Oh, yes. So remember here I am fighting weight gain due to hypothyroidism and my mental meds and also binge eating. First week I recorded 79.4 , second 78.4 and the third 77.7 kgs. It is a good progress. I have a long way to go..no hurry. I love to take it slow and steady. I am feeling lighter, no palpitations after eating and my mood has been on the normal fluctuations. Hey, but this doesn’t mean I don’t have my cheat days. Oh, yes I do. Or else it becomes frustrating. So weekends I’ll have noodles made at home or else bun with butter and jam, light fast food. Heavy fast foods mean that I need to work harder the next week. So going good till now. Let’s see how far I go.

Also my English class for the underprivileged children is going good. 2 of them have started speaking in English little by little. Some are shy to even try. I am giving it my best. Let’s see how it unfolds over the months.

That’s it for now….stay your awesome best. Love and hugs, @jen.