Dear Readers,

Hope you all are doing good. My journey of achieving a healthy weight is back on track. So from Jan to March it has come down from 79.4 – 76.7kgs. I am happy I am able to achieve this much. Things weren’t all glossy, it is tiresome to maintain a healthy lifestyle. Walking daily keeps me going on. It uplifts my mood, so yes it helps fight depression and anxiety. Recently, they haven’t been troubling me much. But this requires lot of effort. I need to make sure things that help me, must be maintained and regularly done. These include sleeping, teaching, cooking, cleaning, bathing with a refreshing or calming shower gel and relaxing {write new recipes from youtube, watch interesting web series or movies, spend time with family, make new notes like on grammar or biology or any interesting topic that I wanna learn more about}. What keeps you all going? Feel free to comment…and in this way we all may think over the things that are important to keep our energy charged in this busy life of ours.

Okay, so I am in Ahmedabad, Gujarat. I reached here on March 10th and will go back to Pune on March 31st. I am enjoying my mini vacation here. I love cooking for my niece, Joana and her friend, Anna. So I tried white sauce chicken pasta, hakka noodles, okra veggie, veg pulav etc. What I loved in this kitchen is that everything is beautifully organised and my brother has bought this beautiful chopper and hand blender. So I keep trying recipes that require me to use them. They are convenient gadgets. That reminds me to tell you, that I love colourful ceramic vessels…they are so adorable. I wish to use an oil dispenser too…..Although life can move on without these too…. 🙂

Walking is refreshing out here. There are empty lanes with less vehicles passing by. We live within an Army area. It is beautifully surrounded by green trees, peacocks and peahens and beautiful parks . It also has a movie hall where I go to watch movies with my niece and her friend, Anna. Attaching some pics….That’s all for now , folks. @jen

Then there are those days…

Hey guys, how are you’ll doing? Last 3.5 weeks have been good for me when it comes to the routine I was talking about in my earlier article. However this week I have been down in the dumps. Feeling blue most of the time. It’s as if serotonin and dopamine, the happy chemicals of my brain, have gone for a long vacation. I don’t feel like waking up and doing normal chores. It’s as if I am exhausted doing a lot of things. Well to all out there fighting depressive symptoms or even remotely close to this, I wanna say give it space and time. Only days can heal you. Don’t fight it too hard. Let it go. Sleep as much as you can. Relax as much as you can. A fresh start is about to come. I am waiting to be recharged again and begin on my weight loss journey. Right now I am just hovering at 77.7kg. Once I get out of my cocoon I’ll be back to my goal filled life.

Till then, I’m gonna take it easy.

Goodbye. Jen

All for the good.

First of all, Happy New year to all. Enjoy this year to the fullest. Loads of love to all of you.

It’s been a rollercoaster ride since last write-up. The month of November and December drained me mentally as I had so many people gathered at home. Long back it used to be a good moment for me, having my nieces around , her parents, her maternal grandparents,etc however it is solely because of my mental health that now all this seems to me a huge crowd that makes me claustrophobic resulting in anxiety-panic attacks and migraines and I run out of the house to be alone. So please don’t misunderstand me , my family is adorable and my nieces are a bundle of joy however it’s only due to me that I tend to push people away from me.

Besides those were the months when my withdrawal of Toficalm meds were going on. Yes, ofcourse it was tough but I managed to get through it. Also my family were troubled seeing me breathless and panicky most of the time running around for some peace of mind. However, how much could they do to avoid the contents of my brain from experiencing trauma. I pity them , that they have to bear with my mental condition.

I would cry within as I could not play much with my adorable nieces. I tried to spend time as much as I could.

Well, once all left and I was back to my house with mum and dad, I was at peace. It was then, that I decided to work on myself and get fit. To be honest, since Feb 2018 to Dec 2018 I put on 18 kilograms of weight. This took a toll on my L4-L5 disc prolapse and also on my mental health. It came to a point where after eating I would get palpitations and then panicky. I felt stressed quite easily, my moods were fluctuating quickly.

I thought to myself ‘I ain’t gonna wait for a new year and then begin. I will start off slowly now- mid December’

It is difficult to leave fast food. It took baby steps. So initially I avoided fast food on weekdays and shifted it to weekends….focused on yoga for few days….trust me it was stressful. Leaving food after you have loved it to such an extent, is an OMG moment. It’s almost like going through a heartbreak.

Then comes January 2019 and by now my mind is a little trained to let go of my unhealthy lifestyle.

I would also like to mention what all encouraged me to come to this stage. My mum, dad, brother and my husband said few words that triggered my brain to let go.

Yes, my husband , the man with whom I wasn’t in talking terms for over 2 months. So there was a day when my husband called me and said ‘we needed to talk.’ He said, he messed up and realizes that marriage and it’s responsibility ain’t his cup of tea, hence landed up spoiling my life around marriage. However, he is sure of one thing, he loves me and doesn’t want to loose me, hence he wants to give us another chance. After 2 months of ‘no talk -no meet’ phase I was hesitant to give it another chance for I was scared ‘what if he breaks my heart again? what if I get attached to him and he decides to sprint again?’ I wasn’t sure ,but deep down I knew I missed him in those 2 months and the kind of bond we had shared over 8 years was one of a kind. However, I cautioned myself to not expect much out of him. I will stay with my family and he will stay with his . We will meet eachother at my house over the weekend. That’s it. I can’t expect this guy to give me my dreams of having a family, a home….he ain’t strong enough to handle my mental condition and a home. Would I want a companion who can’t be my support system? Nope, but do I want to keep in touch with this guy whom I love a lot, gel well and talk anything under the sun or even moon for that matter. Yes, I would like to keep in touch. He informed his family and as usual my dear mother-in-law blamed me for everything…however since he stood strong on what the truth is they understood that the fault lies elsewhere and that I tried my level best. I was glad that my husband took this step of explaining to his parents.

So here we are , enjoying our weekends together, talking laughing and living each moment to the fullest- thinking ‘don’t know how long it may last’….

Back to the encouraging words….in a conversation my brother said that “nowadays availability of fast food is so easy with the food delivery system . Soon we will become addicted to food and in the clutches of this food system, and withdrawal will be difficult.” That was it for me. I wondered he is right. It is all a business plan. Wherever you see there are pictures of food and delivery systems. It is truly tempting. I must stop falling for it. Next came mum’s worry “Jen, when will you stop gobbling food…please try and chew it slow atleast”.. Dad’s the more paranoid one, so he went like “yes, yes keep eating and blow up like a balloon” and even snatched away the plate of food I was eating….lol. Dad and me fight a lot but we are eachothers favourite…😊

The nail to the coffin was Albin, my hubby’s words…He said ” Jen, by God’s grace your disc is taking your weight but for how long should you test it. All I know that if you put your mind to it, then nothing can beat your willpower. You are too good at it” . His words sealed it for me….then onwards I have been monitoring my weight. Having healthy meals and making sure I cook my meals. Avoiding fast food. Decaf yes, with brown sugar. Early morning warm water with honey and apple cider vinegar. Doing household chores. Most important walk daily for half an hour. It’s been 3 weeks since the shift to a healthy lifestyle. Trust me it can get boring but is it fruitful. Oh, yes. So remember here I am fighting weight gain due to hypothyroidism and my mental meds and also binge eating. First week I recorded 79.4 , second 78.4 and the third 77.7 kgs. It is a good progress. I have a long way to go..no hurry. I love to take it slow and steady. I am feeling lighter, no palpitations after eating and my mood has been on the normal fluctuations. Hey, but this doesn’t mean I don’t have my cheat days. Oh, yes I do. Or else it becomes frustrating. So weekends I’ll have noodles made at home or else bun with butter and jam, light fast food. Heavy fast foods mean that I need to work harder the next week. So going good till now. Let’s see how far I go.

Also my English class for the underprivileged children is going good. 2 of them have started speaking in English little by little. Some are shy to even try. I am giving it my best. Let’s see how it unfolds over the months.

That’s it for now….stay your awesome best. Love and hugs, @jen.

Long time no see….

Hello, dear friends. It has been a long time I haven’t visited my blog. Today when I re-read my articles I have seen a pattern that I blog once a month. So the month I have skipped is September. In future I will definitely try to blog once a month. Kindly excuse the delay. So how have all of you been? Hope all going good. Well I have been busy with getting a final closure to my rocky relationship and also start off an active life.

Almost around first week of September I took a decision to not text nor reply to my husband’s messages, also not to call him. Why I took this decision? Because being friends with your husband and being separated doesn’t go well. Either I wanted to be completely in it or else out of it. Well till date I have been away from any kind of contacts with him. Also in a recent form that I was filling at the skin specialists clinic, I mentioned my marital status as separated. So that’s that.

Well I have been able to take tuitions for few children. It all started in July when Sunil-Shalini decided to go to the Gulf and instead I had to pitch in to teach English to their student, Pooja. She is studying in the Marathi medium (local language of Maharashtra) and she needs help to understand English. So far I am able to teach her well and in the process of teaching her I am getting myself conscious and corrected of using the right words. The day I felt happy was when she said that her teacher asked her to read a passage and she was able to read it. Before, she wasn’t able to and when this time she did read well her teacher gave her a chocolate. I felt so happy that Pooja was making progress. Soon one more boy joined in. His name is Rohit. Last Monday, Vishal and Ganesh joined in too. So that is how my mornings are occupied.

In the evening, I go for yoga classes. This was a good choice I made. It is a wonderful experience. My yoga teacher is so flexible and knowledgeable. Her name is Luluva. She is 6 months pregnant and does yoga amazingly well. She takes care that I have a prolapsed disc and gives me exercises accordingly. Yoga helps me to strengthen my back muscles and also it helps me calm my racing mind. I found a new thing to do while doing yoga. I pray to God while doing my yoga poses….we have to repeat an exercise 20-30 times so I have the peaceful mind and time to talk with God. Also at the end of the yoga session, Luluva asks us to pray for ourselves and the members of the class. I feel it is a soothing practice for the soul.

Also my grandmother has joined my family. She will be staying with us for few weeks. Oh! she is a darling. Now I have an adorable companionship. Oh! the pleasant feeling of having a friend to talk to and not feel alone is beautiful. She suffered from stroke in 2012 …since then she has been on strong meds and the sensitivity of her legs have been reduced. So walking has been limited. However, this Saturday she followed me slowly-slowly ,wherever I would go to household chores. So while dusting it felt like I had a supervisor behind me all the time. It was hilarious. Then we clicked a picture since me, my mom and my granny were coincidently wearing green coloured clothes. My granny and me have meals together. She always peeps into my plate to see if there is any special item that I am eating. She can’t eating spicy food so her food is yellowish in colour (due o turmeric) and bland while ours will be red and spicy….so that’s where she feels ‘hey, girl you have something different out there.’

Later in the evening, my aunt and uncle from Pimpri (a place 45 mins away from us) came over. We all sat and chit-chatted with our lil gorgeous granny. After that we had dandiya dance going on in the society. Also food stalls were put up.

Soon my cousins and me made up a plan to have dinner at my second home ( Sunil-Shalini’s house). We bought food from the food stall and went upstairs. It was ten in the night by the time we started to eat. We spoke on so many topics. Life, hardships, fun etc…..that is when Sunil bhaiya(elder brother) reminded me of how I ain’t writing anymore in my blog…and that is how I ended up here today. 😍☺️

Take care…Lots of love💜

@jen

Kindle/books?

It is 1.44 am right now and I am awake . I can’t keep this thought away until I jot it down here. Recently , I have been reading on various books. Some are by Joel Osteen. A great pastor in Texas, writes amazing motivational books. Blessed in the Darkness was my first book from him. It’s a nice book for daily reading. I read it on Kindle. However ,what I truly miss is thr feel of the hard copy in my hands. Yes, ofcourse I could have bought it from Amazon but I went ahead and shopped for the kindle version. So the thought here is….should I continue reading Kindle version or the raw feeling of hard copy book in my hands.

Oh, I miss having a book in my hand. I am reading a book which is an easy Bible for kids…now this one I went ahead and bought the book version. It has a different feel. Sitting beside the window or in my cozy chair with a cup of coffee and the book in hand…..turning every page as I read , the feel of paper in my hand and atlast placing a nice magnetic bookmark to know where I ended reading. I love it that way. I love going to a coffee shop with this book of mine and go and read it with a nice cold coffee and being alone absorbed in the book….well people who love reading Kindle may wonder…hello u can do all this on Kindle too….turning the pages…having a page curl, coffee, cozy chair etc. but dear gadget readers the feel of a gadget in the hand takes away the old school feeling . I managed to read Joel Osteen’s book on it and in order to save paper purchased the next book also on Kindle. This one is a hilarious book called ‘The subtle art of not giving a f#ck’ by Mark Manson. He is such a nice writer. Things are so boldly and hilariously written. I do miss taking a colour pencil and marking the main points I love. So dear Kindle offers me with the highlighter option. So slowly I am adapting . Hope to continue to do so. Reading is fun but gadget hurts my eye with constant screen-looking….whereas books don’t do that. Leaving with a confusion and I’ll continue juggling both ways so that my old school soul doesn’t feel out of space and the new soul saves paper.

Goodnight guys,

@jen.

Visit to Café Bellagio

So it was a lazy Thursday when I was under my cozy blanket and I heard the doorbell ring. Oh I wondered ‘who was it now?’ I thought my dad would attend the door but after the second bell I understood perhaps my dad too was under his cozy blanket , not wanting to get up. Well I pushed the covers away and there I opened the door to greet my dear cousin Sony. I just made a grumpy face and said “Hi, I am going to sleep.” I actually did that. I went back into my blanket, cocooned myself and tried to sleep off happily. I could hear Sony walk around and blabber somethings like ‘hey, don’t sleep wake up’ but I just couldn’t do so. Then after an hour I woke up. It was around 4pm. I saw this girl is sleeping beside me. Guess sleep is contagious. Hehehe.

So I thought of an idea to go out to drink our evening coffee. I woke her up suggested the idea and she said, “good, let us go or else I will sleep off more.” We got up and got ready. She took more time to get dressed, well it was worth it…she was looking pretty after all. I went ahead and made my dad his evening tea and nicely put it to him that Sony and I are planning to go out . He asked, “where?” I said “well just here around the neighbourhood.” He didn’t mind it and gave us the permission. Off we went. We went to the rickshaw stand , got into one and our ride began to Café Bellagio. It is located in Undri. As we reached there, we were welcomed with beautiful smiles and made comfortable into the AC environment. I was super excited. They got us the Menu and cold water. I loved the ambience of this place. The red and white combination felt nice. The sofa at the back looked beautiful. The glass shelf filled with nice colourful pastries made my heart happy. We ordered cold coffee for each other. Sony wanted hazelnut cold coffee and I ordered cold coffee with ice-cream. I enjoyed the coffee taste, it was of good quality and the chocolate in it was tasteful too. Then we ordered paneer peri-peri sandwich, which was to my opinion, okay. Then we tasted tiramisu cupcake………well it was too sweet and okay. But what followed and brought a beautiful end was the Dark Chocolate Pastry. Oh, it was yummy and rich in bitterness of the chocolate. …………..Oh, it just cleaned my whole palate beautifully. I was enjoying this while Sony’s dad called up and scolded her for roaming around instead of packing since she was going to fly that night to Calcutta for her cousin brother Vinoy’s convocation. So she quickly kept the phone and rushed to pay the bill while I was closing my eyes and enjoying every bit of my yummy dark bitter chocolate. She rushed me to eat quickly. I shut my ears, closed my eyes and mindfully (being in the present moment) took the last scoop of that delicious pastry and then had a beautiful smile on my face and asked her ‘ what were you saying?’ hehe

From there we rushed to the counter to fill the feedback book and also clicked a pic with the guy in-charge. Then rushed and caught a rick and reached home safely. Even though my darling sister was in a hurry she said that she felt so happy. Well we both were high on caffeine u see…….we were on the clouds. Hope you guys too have such great days to remember, if not make one…..take care and enjoy.

@jen

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Life is good

So last month has been busy. Well I had my usual routine and would go out to visit Sunil-Shalini. There we had our tea with snacks. At times we would talk about our daily life or else play some games like Racko or Taboo, etc. Dear readers, when you are going through a separation remember to surround yourself with a routine of tasks that you love to do, friends whom you love to be with, family that is supportive and books or movies. So these are the things that are helping me survive my separation days.

So the painful and grief phase is kind of over. Now I am good friends with my husband, which is so beautiful. I really feel comfortable to find a friend in him and talk about my daily things and my life. Nothing to worry about what I speak, how I speak, etc. He is a very good friend. Now when I look back I am glad he came into my life because he taught me many things about myself. He showed me my flaws , where I am wrong and where I am not. My in-laws helped me to understand and realise how unique my parents are. I am glad I was born to my supportive parents. Usually when we go through tough times or experience tough people in our lives we realise the value of what we already have. My in-laws also taught me how wrong my perspective was about this world and people. My brother in-law is my sweetheart. He is a guy with special needs…..He is 28 year old, takes care of his basic needs like bathing, dressing himself up, eating, etc. He also gives the best company. If I wouldn’t have met Albin I would not have experienced the company of my brother-in-law Ashwin. He is adorable and there are times when I call him up and talk to him because I miss listening to his daily life stories.

So I have been reading some philosophical books lately like ‘You can heal you life’ by LOUISE MAY, then my therapy book on DBT(Dialectical Behavior Therapy) and Blessed in the Darkness by JOEL OSTEEN. These are good books. They keep me busy. Well there is something I wish to honestly write about is I am struggling with laziness. I am asleep most of the day……..zzzzzzzzz I don’t feel like getting off my warm cozy blanket. There should be something I must do to get off this kind of routine…I am on the verge of finding a new routine. Let’s see how far I succeed.

The therapy book is beautiful. It covers topics on mindfulness, meditation, how to be present in the moment , how to breathe right and also on how to regulate emotions. This has really helped me for I try my best to be in the present moment, breathe well which makes me sleepy (lol-no wonder I sleep so much) and emotions-yes my anger has reduced. I am still far from maintaining a good routine about all this. As of now I just do it whenever my mood says ‘Hey, let’s do this’………routine is a challenge for an individual like me who loves being lazy…….hehehe.

So that is all from my side for today. Bye -bye

@jen

God will provide…

So it has been long since I have visited my blog. Dear readers , I was busy enjoying my life with some truly good friends. Yes, my married life is going through a tough phase………….8 years of togetherness (4 years dating + 4 years marriage) can bring in some amount of boredom, said my very good friend . So for now we both are kind of emotionally detached yet meet up to keep up our good old bond. However, while I go through this phase I met some good friends. What I cherish about them is that I feel like I belong with them. We all are bold enough to share our flaws talk about it and laugh at the silliest jokes possible. That is fun. So one day I went to this peaceful and relaxing centre of mine…….Sunil and Shalini’s house.

I met a child and her mum. The child , Zenna was enthusiastic and I adored her presence. I don’t have my own child however the time I spent with Zenna filled that emptiness. I made some designs on her hand which she liked however I know I could have done better. Her mum,Jiby a beautiful-brave soul . She is a teacher to many more kids like hers. Teacher is a nice profession to be connected with children and spend ample amount of time with them. She is also preparing for an entrance exam. What I admired about her is the courage with which she is handling her child, her job and studying to progress further in life. That requires lot of effort. So all the best to her for everything.

I met a guy named Charlie. What I liked about this friend was he made us laugh with all kinds of silly jokes. Also the time when Charlie and I were standing at the balcony and looking at the beautiful scenery outside. We spoke about our physical injuries and how tough it is to deal with life there after. So a knee surgery friend was talking to a back prolapsed friend. Yes, guys it’s a whole new story once you are physically injured. The true colours of your friends are revealed , also the ones whom you might have trusted all comes out. You come to know who are the ones who truly care for you and will stand by you when the storm of your life hits you. In that sense I am glad God provided me with my disc prolapse. It gave me a different perspective towards my life and also towards those people who suffer physically. Before this I was more empathetic towards people who suffered psychologically . I am glad I found this new perspective. I hope to counsel people in similar troublesome situations one day. Be their friend they need at that time. All in God’s hands. May His will be done.

With this prolapsed back I also received immense support from my family, my relatives and the good few chosen friends. I also made these new friends. I am glad I found them. They are a beautiful gift provided to me by my caretaker. So today’s blog is about how God provides us with what we need. Our wants maybe different. Of course , given a choice I would not choose this life for myself with a decade full of sufferings however God gave me all that I needed. There are times when I am unable to see it this way. But then my accountability (Shalini and Sunil) remind me ‘hey little fighter soon things will be brighter.’This is to all who are fighting their own battles…..God is providing and will provide all that you truly need to survive…….just use another pair of glasses and you will see it through. Lots of love, courage and hugs come your way.

Goodbye, @jen

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A wonderful Sunday

I was in the kitchen when the door bell rang. I walked towards the door and as I opened I saw my adorable couple standing there. I welcomed them in. They made themselves comfortable and asked where my parents were. I said they are busy arguing about numbers. The story is that my dad has this strict rule that when you dictate numbers to someone you must dictate 2 at a time. However, my mum doesn’t follow such a strict rule. Say numbers till you feel like and  pause. So that was their argument all about. hehehe…..well they gave a pause to that and sat in the living room talking to our dear guests. About this beautiful couple. What I adore about them is that they are a good team together. She is creative and does wonderful quilling artwork (qftm on wordpress)……and he supports her so much, patiently stand by her and help her in marketing her talent. Love is meant to be a teamwork . Keeping our stubbornness aside, forgiving and letting go and loving as much as humanly possible by you. One thing I learnt, being a blessed couple comes to very few. This is all written from above. Either you are meant to receive it or else you aren’t. I remember reading a Corinthians verse…..about Love. Love is kind and patient,etc. I remember standing near the mic and reading this out.  I have fallen in love thrice but failed thrice. Yet I continue to fall in love, because I believe love is not only for married couples. It is also for your loved ones, your support system, the way I adore this blessed couple, the way I fell in love with a curly haired child who I met while I was out with  my cousin sister. I laughed with the child and touched his head and said ‘God bless you’. Love was passed on and felt at that very moment. Little things, little moments, adorable kids and adorable couples help me fall in love all over again. I can’t help it. This is who I am. I love ‘Love’. Yes, but beware love hurts. If you are ready for your heart to feel that hurt then go ahead and love as much as possible and spread love as much as possible. 

Okay, about the couple that I was talking, they are my neighbours. I remember entering their house. Well maintained and cuddly cute home. Their art room is so beautiful. This couple have had their share of troubles what a marriage could bring but they stood and continue to stick by together. Their power comes through prayer and love. They pray together, work together, fight and solve things together. That is what marriage is all about. Togetherness. It needs hardwork, commitment and dedication. When one falls apart the other must be strong. I have found it in this couple and also my parents. I have understood one thing, all this is written by your creator, whomever your creator is for you. God will provide. Okay so after our laughing and chit-chatting I went out with my cousin sister to a restaurant. We enjoyed our dinner there. On the way back I saw this adorably cute curly haired baby who gave us a flying kiss and kept saying hi…..it brought a smile on my face. How a little gesture can make a moment for you. So that’s it came home made a zentangle design or doodled and slept off. Rest my pictures will say. Also kindly visit QFTM (quilling for the master) on wordpress to see the adorable couples quilling work. Goodbye guys, stay healthy and happy.

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an entangled life

Confused of where my life is leading. My 10 o’clock cup of cold coffee gives me great company and while I sit beside my window mindfully enjoying every sip I thought to myself. It is time to move on. So I got inspired by Google to start drawing some beautiful designs. Here is the first batch.

This helped me focus on the present moment which is a part of the DBT book I was talking about. The book has various chapters. They talk about distraction and mindfulness. So ,for example, today when I was upset and looking for some inspiration I did this drawing. Here I get distracted from unnecessary wondering over my moderately separated days and mindfully enjoy filling in the color into each details. HereI have used brush pens. They are wonderful to use.

My separated days haven’t been great. I sulk and land up calling my husband coz deep down in my 💓 I still love him and then there are days when I feel absolutely free like a bird and land up drawing, cleaning, cooking etc. Do what You love and rest will follow. Hope I continue with this art work. Goodbye guys. Loads of love and hugs.

@jen