Phase 5- Move on

So it is 2010…. I am walking with my cousin , both of us were drinking a clear water like drink from a small bisleri bottle. When asked by our parents, we said “we are going for a short walk ,u see we may feel thirsty”. This was just an excuse to sip on vodka+sprite without interruptions. We enjoyed our walk with talk. That’s when I get a call on my, not a smartphone😊…. I answer it and it was my family friend. That same guy who was my good friend back in 2002 and who said our wavelengths didn’t match πŸ˜‰. Well we spoke all about how we are doing, how is our family doing, etc. Then he says ‘hey, I didn’t expect you to answer my call since you hadn’t accepted my friend request online’… I said ‘about request well didn’t feel like it back then, about today, dude I’m high on bisleriπŸ˜‚’…..we laughed it out.

So that was the short call for that day. From there on we spoke once in a while, then almost everyday. I told him all about my turmoils in the past and he shared his. We became comfortable talking with eachother. What was truly comforting was that we were at ease with our vulnerabilities. We could speak about anything and everything. We didn’t have to think twice. What interested us both, is that how we have changed over the years from 2002-2010. I had become bold and adventurous with all my turmoils. He was this patient and chilled out guy. We became awesome friends.

Then began our journey….. I would go for my evening walks to M.G. road and if he was done with his work shift by then, he would walk alongwith me. Those walks were amazing. We would sometimes walk off to the St.Xaviers church nearby…and he would walk me home. There was one thing I really fell in love with, his bike. Yamaha-FZ…..awww😍. So there came a day when I sat on that adorable bike and he took me for a ride.

Now this guy is riding slowly carefully….and I was getting irritated….I said ‘listen I feel I’ll walk faster than this pace’ …. that’s it after that he took me a ride that still remains with me ….that beautiful rush in my πŸ’“, those twisty turns and the way he would bend with the bike while I bend alongwith them too….it was like we 3 were a good team…ooohh the brush of breeze through my hair and the butterfly feeling in my tummy and the grip on his shoulders. Awwww…so nostalgic. I was thrilled and satisfied. A brilliant bike and an awesome rider. That day I was on cloud 9. By the way , I wonder why we say cloud 9 why not 10….well whatever…. I feel my message is conveyed and understood. πŸ˜‰

This story will unfold in bits and pieces. Until then, stay smiling and enjoy your little lovely moments.

@jen

Phase 4- time to fly free

I was fortunate to get a chance to start graduation around my mid-20s. First year, I felt out of place. Sitting among students younger than me. I was sitting in this class of Psychology and observed two students dressed in blue colored sari. It was like a uniform. They were nuns who had also enrolled for Psychology. I looked at them and they gave me this warm welcoming smile. I felt an instant connect. Then I looked around and found other group of students who were chit-chatting in the middle of the lecture and they gave me this naughty smile. I smiled back remembering my old college days. So after sometime the lecture ended and we all introduced each other , in the hope that some of us would become good friends , some friends for notes and some just to hang out in the college campus. The nuns and I shared a different understanding . We found out that all 3 of us were of the same age. We were glad to have found each other.

In the coming years soon we found another friend. She was younger to us, however her maturity was different than the others. She connected well with us. So eventually all 4 of us became the group that would always hang out together. These 3 friends of mine would always be punctual for lectures. Our lectures would begin by 7.30am and my dear friends would come from far on time whereas I , who was staying just behind the college campus, would wake up late and walk in the middle of 3rd-4th lecture. Sometimes my young friend would tease me saying “Jen, you would have might as well stayed at home, we just have 2 more lectures to go.” We would have a hearty laugh.

Learning Psychology with them was fun. We would enjoy our practicals attend lectures and have tiffins together. We would have our study time together in the campus ,the library and also in our practical lab. What I especially remember is the beautiful green big campus. There was a playground in the middle of it and boys would play football. Then as we walk ahead there was a basketball ground and boys and girls playing basketball. Next comes Sameer ki chai, this was one place where we would gather and have as many of those small tea cups and lighten our day, gossip and also copy down notes ,etc. I would love wearing civils everyday, getting dressed in my favourite tops and skirts/jeans, shine up my hair, leave it open free-flowing…………whereas now in my 30s I hate dressing up and hair………well it’s a short pixie cut….hehehe.

I enjoyed making notes. So even though I would skip the lectures I would update myself, go back home and make my own personal notes. (I would always desire making notes like this in future and teach my students.) I enjoyed studying and also participating in various college programs, NSS-camps, dance shows,etc. . I used it to distract myself from the painful separation and divorce that was simultaneously moving on. So basically as I passed my grad with distinction I also passed my divorce phase with flying colors.

I consider myself fortunate to be able to get out of a marriage that drained me off my peaceful energy. It was a tough battle fought well because I had the right army beside me and this gift from above- boldness. It takes a lot of courage to rip yourself apart from a marriage where you are being treated like an object of satisfication. My army at that point consisted of my family, loved ones, a special childhood friend of mine and 2 of my dear to heart, school buddies and ofcourse my college life.

What I understood out of all my turbulence in life that no matter how busy we get, trekking up our mountain of goals, we must always pause, take time to cherish and love the army that always stands beside us because wherever we reach they have a major role in pulling us up from a dark pit, pushing us out of our comfort zone and also celebrating our success.

Signing off until next time….@jen

Phase 3- spicy and sweet

Here comes life knocking at my door. Around 2006 my brain experiences a different environment within itself. The neurochemistry within my brain decides to go on an adventurous trip. That’s how my world turns upside down. So I started experiencing these weird conversations in my brain, as if brain and heart are sitting around a table and having lots to debate upon. I see another chair in which I sit and listen attentively to what these two have to talk about.

I was tormented when they would get into an argument over my life choices….so should we continue with B.Sc Geology or B.Sc Nursing? , should we be in a relationship right now, is this guy sustainable enough for marriage and children? In the midst of this chaos in my head I took decisions depending on who would win the argument most. So when my rational brain won the battle, I chose B.Sc Nursing and after 1.5 years when my emotional heart won, I chose to boycott B.Sc Nursing. Similarly, I started projects and never landed ending them. So after Nursing this happened to D.Ed(Diploma in Education), a beautiful 3 years relationship, a computer teacher job and eventually I broke down…..emotionally and mentally exhausted. I thought let me try one thing that I may succeed at and that was a suicide attempt. It was almost successful if I wasn’t taken to the ICU at the right moment, in my dad’s arms. All I remember is my breath shutting down and my eyelids closing and the ceiling was gone outta my vision. After 3 days , the ICU helped me gain back my breathing.

U see, after this you can’t just walk out of the hospital and head back to your normal life. You will be questioned and that too a lot. Phew! Also there will be therapeutic steps taken. So from there on my hospital journey began. I met this Psychiatrist, during my teenage years. All I remember being interested in was that big beautiful, colourful caterpillar soft toy that was right behind her in that shelf. Again, just like the Amethyst stone that I longed this too remained in the longed to have it list. I didn’t ask her. She was busy being a doctor. From there my journey began, shock therapy to medications to psychotherapy(counseling). So, there were times when I would feel all sleepy and happy or else sleepy and droopy. However, the conversations in my head began to reduce from an argument to plain discussions. I had crossed my 20s by then . When I met my psychotherapist for the first time, my parents worried that I may not continue with this doctor. However, what they did not know then was, first look at him and I developed a huge crush on him. When he spoke I was just lost and I felt all he said was absolutely right. Those moments when breeze enters from the window and blows over and you just get lost on ‘awww how cute is he?’ and eventually say ‘yes , you are right’ whenever there was a pause…..hehehe. Well I didn’t go to express my feelings to him. I told my brother. He is good secret keeper. That’s what siblings are for.Β  So a good mix of pharmacotherapy + couselling helped me fight depression. I felt much better, more confident and my self-esteem was up.

Well, I am a risk taker and I love an adventurous life. Back in those days, Orkut was quite famous. I made an account. I enjoyed it. One day I got a friend request from a guy I knew. This is the guy who,in 2002, during my 10th standard would meet me at my house. We would sit on our white big swing and speak for long about school, his 11th standard and life back at home. All this would take place while my dad would be watering his wonderful green plants. Well now when I think of it, guys, that’s the way parents are just keeping a watch on you and listening to your conversations. I’m sure the plants would have been like ‘hello, we are not thirsty right now. Why the change in routine today?’. Well our conversation went ahead from there, we became close friends. One day he gifted me a keychain that had a grain of rice in it with my name written on that rice grain. Well I loved it especially the fluorescent green liquid it was floating in. I used it as a keychain for my bicycle key. So later I gave him a call from my landline and asked him to come over since I had bought a gift for him. This guy was sitting having a good conversation with his best friend. However, he left him, took his bike and inspite of the rain that day he came home drenched. We gave him a towel to dry his hair , my brothers jacket and warm tea. Later I come with the gift. He excitingly opened it and found a Bible inside. He said thanks and left. The next day he came home and told me that he really loved me however when he received my gift, he thought that our wavelenghts did’t match. I didn’t find it surprising that he loved me for I saw it coming, however I wasn’t at that phase yet.

So when it came to Orkut friend request after almost 5-6 years I hesitated to accept it from him. Instead I accepted a random strangers request. I started working in a reputed company alongwith this new guy. We would go to night work shifts together. He was a good dancer just like me so we would go to many disco parties. We bonded well and landed up getting married in 2007. Hey, back then I was like ‘wow, I have a cool job paying me well, I have my dream coming true-marriage and hubby, so finally I am settling’ . However, just like my other projects this too ended after almost 2 years. The separation and divorce years were lonely,painful and involved whatever that could prevent me from hitting into depression again. My family and relatives were worried. I could see it in their eyes. One gift that has always surrounded me through troubled times was my family and relatives’ love, care and support. I am and will always be grateful for that.

Gods grace I decided to fight this by catching up on my education. I joined B.A. Psychology program. I made sure to thoroughly enjoy my lost college days. Yes, I was way elder to my college mates but guess what, there were 2 nuns who were around my age and the fourth one who joined our group was the youngest, yet so mature that she quickly blended with us. Stories from my college life will unfold in the next blog.

Until then, let’s take a break. @jen

Phase 2

The story unfolds in a beautiful and romantic city called Pune. Here I enjoyed my school days and moved onto college life. The feel of wearing civil everyday was motivating, however almost a decade later now none of that is true. I hate getting dressed, from selection of clothes to the application of my Maybelline lip balm. But those were the days when all this seemed so exciting, travelling by bus and entering the college gate in colourful dress wondering who is looking at me?

Science subject always seemed interesting except Physics. I enjoyed all my practicals…from the accuracy of microscopic slides in zoology/botany lab to the mixing of colourful chemicals in the chemistry lab. One of my favourites were identifying and understanding the properties of rocks, gemstones,etc in the Geology lab.

One day when I entered the Geology lab I found this beautiful stone….outside black rock, inside whitish crystal layer and inside that purple coloured layer of gems. Oh I fell in love with it at first sight. I was tempted to break the glass open and steal it but naah I was just too sincere…..

Days passed by , I would always visit that purple stone called Amethyst and soon I fell in love with the subject. Now you might be wondering…aah so she goes ahead and pursues some higher degree in it bleh bleh bleh…..

Naah , that’s not the case. 12th standard was the last time I had ever studied and excelled in my favourite subject Geology. I am proud and happy I ever got exposed to such a beautiful subject. So life had a different plan for me… Life said ‘Hey Jen, time for new challenges.’……which will be revealed in phase 3.

Until then, enjoy your day….stay happy and fit.

@jen

Adventurous start…

Hi, I am Jency. I am new to blogging. Thank you for your patience and time.I am here to share my story, about my life and how my experiences have helped me better understand myself. I am hoping to touch someone’s πŸ’“ or strike a chord somewhere, for many go through different struggles in their life. Kindly excuse me for English grammar,also some words that would be totally made up by a weirdly wired me.

I am floating in my mother’s womb, happy and peaceful when suddenly I feel my cozy little home shaken and before I could wonder what happened, I went into a sleep. My mother accidently fell off her bike while going for duty, she too became unconscious. Both of us fought it hard in the hospital , eventually we felt alive again. It was time for me to see the new world and out I came. I was under observation and Doc said ‘Hey, don’t worry. She is well. She is a fighter.’ Honestly I thought the worst is over however least did I know this was just a kick start to my challenging life ahead.

Months went by ,years went by gracefully….then came another challenge. CSA at around ten years of age. I wondered was it right or wrong?, what am I supposed to do next?, Do I really mention it?, Will I be laughed at? Questions jogged around my racing mind . Finally I grew the courage ,went upto my parents and mentioned how a trustworthy elder did something weird to me. They were hurt and I could see it in their eyes. Since then we formed a different bond of fighting our battles together. We took the necessary step and fought out in whatever way possible. So my life moved on, playful childhood, happy adventurous games with my elder brother, missing my dad since he would be posted from places to places and being cared for by my mother.

School had a different take on me. I enjoyed it until I hit puberty where all of a sudden everything changed. I was an active student, taking part in extra-curricular activities and average at studies. I had friends but I always felt different or that I didn’t fit in. All through this there was one close friend of mine who always made me feel at ease. She was a tomboy like me. We had our crazy chats and felt so much at ease. I could be myself with her. When I was with her I didn’t have to be all polished,poised and gentle or picky with words. With her I was this unpolished, naughty ,crazy at πŸ’“ girl who could speak out without a second thought and laugh out so loud. I’m glad I had found her. Hope all find that one or few friends with whom they can be themselves.

With this I would like to stop. Until next time, love yourself and laugh your πŸ’“ out.

@jen