A wonderful Sunday

I was in the kitchen when the door bell rang. I walked towards the door and as I opened I saw my adorable couple standing there. I welcomed them in. They made themselves comfortable and asked where my parents were. I said they are busy arguing about numbers. The story is that my dad has this strict rule that when you dictate numbers to someone you must dictate 2 at a time. However, my mum doesn’t follow such a strict rule. Say numbers till you feel like and  pause. So that was their argument all about. hehehe…..well they gave a pause to that and sat in the living room talking to our dear guests. About this beautiful couple. What I adore about them is that they are a good team together. She is creative and does wonderful quilling artwork (qftm on wordpress)……and he supports her so much, patiently stand by her and help her in marketing her talent. Love is meant to be a teamwork . Keeping our stubbornness aside, forgiving and letting go and loving as much as humanly possible by you. One thing I learnt, being a blessed couple comes to very few. This is all written from above. Either you are meant to receive it or else you aren’t. I remember reading a Corinthians verse…..about Love. Love is kind and patient,etc. I remember standing near the mic and reading this out.  I have fallen in love thrice but failed thrice. Yet I continue to fall in love, because I believe love is not only for married couples. It is also for your loved ones, your support system, the way I adore this blessed couple, the way I fell in love with a curly haired child who I met while I was out with  my cousin sister. I laughed with the child and touched his head and said ‘God bless you’. Love was passed on and felt at that very moment. Little things, little moments, adorable kids and adorable couples help me fall in love all over again. I can’t help it. This is who I am. I love ‘Love’. Yes, but beware love hurts. If you are ready for your heart to feel that hurt then go ahead and love as much as possible and spread love as much as possible. 

Okay, about the couple that I was talking, they are my neighbours. I remember entering their house. Well maintained and cuddly cute home. Their art room is so beautiful. This couple have had their share of troubles what a marriage could bring but they stood and continue to stick by together. Their power comes through prayer and love. They pray together, work together, fight and solve things together. That is what marriage is all about. Togetherness. It needs hardwork, commitment and dedication. When one falls apart the other must be strong. I have found it in this couple and also my parents. I have understood one thing, all this is written by your creator, whomever your creator is for you. God will provide. Okay so after our laughing and chit-chatting I went out with my cousin sister to a restaurant. We enjoyed our dinner there. On the way back I saw this adorably cute curly haired baby who gave us a flying kiss and kept saying hi…..it brought a smile on my face. How a little gesture can make a moment for you. So that’s it came home made a zentangle design or doodled and slept off. Rest my pictures will say. Also kindly visit QFTM (quilling for the master) on wordpress to see the adorable couples quilling work. Goodbye guys, stay healthy and happy.

IMG_20180513_211233421[1]IMG_20180513_220152598[1]IMG_20180513_233749832_HDR[1]IMG_20180513_211654610[1]

an entangled life

Confused of where my life is leading. My 10 o’clock cup of cold coffee gives me great company and while I sit beside my window mindfully enjoying every sip I thought to myself. It is time to move on. So I got inspired by Google to start drawing some beautiful designs. Here is the first batch.

This helped me focus on the present moment which is a part of the DBT book I was talking about. The book has various chapters. They talk about distraction and mindfulness. So ,for example, today when I was upset and looking for some inspiration I did this drawing. Here I get distracted from unnecessary wondering over my moderately separated days and mindfully enjoy filling in the color into each details. HereI have used brush pens. They are wonderful to use.

My separated days haven’t been great. I sulk and land up calling my husband coz deep down in my 💓 I still love him and then there are days when I feel absolutely free like a bird and land up drawing, cleaning, cooking etc. Do what You love and rest will follow. Hope I continue with this art work. Goodbye guys. Loads of love and hugs.

@jen

Moderately separated

(So my dear readers love is something that will fade but it is also something that gets ignited again. However in all this procedure of ups and downs if You feel exhausted and that, it is taking a real good chunk of your self-esteem or self-confidence then I’d say it’s better to respect and love yourself than go shredding your soul along a rocky relationship. So take a moment and think are you willing to adjust way too much or be happy with nurturing your own soul. You being sure of your commitment is more important.) 

This was how I ended my last blog. Since my last blog I have been struggling to keep my relationship alive. Has it been easy? No, not at all. I have come to the conclusion that my husband and I are best as friends. A moderately separated relationship is what suits us. What we cannot let go of, is our deep friendship that has been built over these 8 years of togetherness. Well there may come a time when this too shall fade away. 

April 30th 2018 marks the day when I finally allowed myself to be away from the stress that has been eating me . Separation hurts and it also causes lot of stress to the individuals undergoing it. I found it to be the best option. Be friends. That is it. I will cherish that until it fades away too. So marriage ain’t Albin’s nor my cup of tea. The sooner I settle my heart with this fact the sooner I will be at peace. Right now focus is on the DBT book . Yesterday I finished off chapter 4 on mindfulness. 

Mindfulness is an art of being aware as much as possible of the task at hand. Worries and thoughts will come but you need to cast away this thought cloud  away and focus back to the task. Mindfulness helps to calm your racing thoughts and also increase the strength of your focus. So I will continue to practice what I learnt in the book. More chapters from the book will be explained , if interested please do visit my blog again. Thank you.

@jen

maxresdefault

 

Renewing the good old dating days

8th April 2018 #

My dear stubborn egoistic husband and an equally stubborn and borderlined me fought on Sunday afternoon. In my mind that was it. I had too much of all this relationship tension, however somehow my borderline bill (from the offir  sasson video on borderline personality) slided onto the happy-go-lucky side and love just bloomed all over again for my stubborn egoistic husband. So what happened was I was frustrated and I needed to distract myself so I went ahead , got all the glasses from the shelf and began washing them one by one. At times I would mindfully wash them but the other times I am thinking about him , how he is keeping me away , not letting this relationship go forward,etc….then I wondered I need to sort this out or else this stress will eat me up healthwise. So after washing the glassed and sorting them beautifully heightwise in the shelf, I called him up and asked him ‘would you like to go out for dinner just like our good old days’. He said ofcourse yes. So we went ahead and fixed meeting up at 7pm at JYOTI RESTAURANT. 

My first date after those bed ridden and recovery days of Disc Prolapse. 

I was excited to get dressed for this meeting. I wondered what to wear. I took out a nice top and thought I’d wear it my black soft pants but then I remembered I have to climb those stairs at JYOTI. So I wanted to wear something loose down my waist. So I thought of wearing a salwar-kamees but then my eyes fell upon this beautiful blue skirt that my brother had bought me from FABINDIA . I admired that skirt a lot. So I decided to wear that with a white top. Then I went ahead for my refreshing bath and got dressed. I am a person who wears no makeup. So combed my hair, applied a lip balm and sprayed ELIZABETH ARDEN’S green tea perfume gifted to me by my hubby and one last look into the mirror and I said to myself ‘Jen you look gorgeous.’ Off I went hired a rick and sat in the middle of the rick so that my lumbar disc would feel very less jerks and I reached safely. I reached first. Why did I mention that is because when Albin(my hubby) and me dated from 2010-2014 I would always arrive late but this time I made sure to reach early. So I began climbing those ten steps….one by one while everyone looked at me for I was struggling to climb and climbing slowly. Well I am used to it now, previously I would feel handicapped but now I proudly keep telling myself inside my heart. You have come this far just a little ahead..slowly and steadily. So by the time I reached there and said ‘table for 2′ I turned back and saw Albin had reached. Then we decided on a table . The smile , the smile on his face and the little dimple made me feel nice. Made me feel somewhere we still had it in us. That little love. We ordered for pav bhaji……..he ordered for coffee and I ordered for gulab jamuns. They are my favourite. We ate and spoke . We felt like those college kids going on a date. We had come to JYOTI after a long time, almost 3 years. It felt nice. I as usual tried to crack jokes and it lands up to be poor jokes but the point is we laughed. Laughing is good to get off stress. One silly thing that happened was, the waiter came and took the tissue box and I immediately said’ No don’t take it , we need it ‘ and he looked at me and smiled , ‘ Ma’am I am just taking it to put in more tissues’ I laughed and said OHK………silly paranoid me…….worried about the tissues of our table. I wonder how Albin doesn’t get embarrassed by my silliness but maybe 8 years of experience has taught him a lot about this crazy love of his. So we finished our dinner and headed down the stairs with my blue skirt flowing like that of Cinderella’s………..ooooh it felt nice. After that we went to check out for some mobiles while I waited outside the shop since this time the staircase leading to it were too high. There I met this cute doggy who came to me and wished to be cuddled. We both sat and I kept cuddling him talking to him, He enjoyed it. He had nice conditioned smooth hair, and eyes so innocent. I fell in love right there. Soon Albin came , he too loves dogs , he spoke to him too and then we left and while leaving the doggy followed us until the gate. Now going back we gave it a try, what…..our first ride after April 2015. Our nice navy blue vespa and I struggle but eventually sat sideways on it. Oh it felt nice……..holding onto his shoulders and then holding onto his belly. Although the ride was uncomfortable with a twisted position but I managed since my house wasn’t too far from the restaurant. He left me home and then we bid goodbye until next time that is this coming weekend. 

So my dear readers love is something that will fade but it is also something that gets ignited again. However in all this procedure of ups and downs if You feel exhausted and that it is taking a real good chunk of your self-esteeem or self-confidence then I’d say it’s better to respect and love yourself than go shredding your soul along a rocky relationship. So take a moment and think are you willing to adjust or be happy with nurturing your own soul. You being sure of your commitment is more important. Take care, until the next blog. (No pics because Albin dislikes taking photos)

@jen

Date with myself#6th April 2018

It was the day when I was feeling gloomy over how love keeps slipping out of my hand no matter how hard I try..however I decided not to stay at home worrying about it. Rather I decided to take myself on a small trip.. I packed my bag with my wallet, mobile phone, moisturizer and SOS medicine in case of an anxiety panic attack. I booked myself a ticket to a movie called Hitchki…..which has one of my favourite actress , Rani Mukherjee. I booked a royal recliner seat since I had my disc prolapse to be taken care of. So off I went ahead and got ready and then booked myself a cab to Inox: Royal Heritage Dorabjees Mall @ Undri, Pune. Cab arrived and I lied down at the back seat ,for travelling causes me more back problems. The driver was gently driving and we reached the destination on time. Then I took my ticket. What I really felt nice about is that almost at every junction where I land up meeting the service staff, they wish you Namaste with a smile. That felt nice. It was around 12ish. Time for my lunch so I ordered samosa and cold coffee….and slowly but steadily climbed to my royal recliner seat and began munching and watching. It was fun and peaceful to be alone. I watched the movie lying down which helped me not hurt my back. Movie was refreshing, inspiring and good. It is based on a person who battled with Tourette’s syndrome and become a teacher and went ahead to be a Principal. This movie is mostly based on Brad Cohen’s life as an inspirational teacher in spite of his battle with Tourette syndrome. The children who acted in this have done an exceptional job and of course Rani and Neeraj Kabi. They were superb . I loved their acting. So the movie ended and I went ahead to explore this mall. Went to Pantaloons , Max, etc checked it out. It’s a beautifully designed mall. Anyone who visits Pune I would suggest to visit this place. I also suggest weekdays if possible for that is when the crowd is less. I prefer less crowd and spacious areas. 

Then I left from there by rick. I wanted to see how a rick ride would be for my back.. well honestly it ain’t good. One more thing what I learnt that I must sit in the centre to feel less jolts. I reached back home safely. So this was my trip. I would suggest to you all take yourself out for a trip. Do what you like , have an enjoyable time with self, and I truly mean less of gadgets and more of observing people around or maybe even chit-chatting with them. I did that and it felt nice. I still remember the little girl Pranjal I spoke to who wore the same uniform as my school(HUTCHINGS), then Akshaya who was sitting beside me having ice-cream and she guided me on the mall and also the rick guy who told me that LIFE IS FULL OF SURPRISES…….’Jo takhdeer mey likha hai wahi hotha hai’ ……which means your destiny plays a big role. He said the exact words that I had on my blog long back. LIFE IS FULL OF SURPRISES. I felt nice to hear that and talk with him. So that’s it my dear folks. Take care. Until next time, stay smiling.

@jen

Commitment

Every task, work assignment or relationship needs commitment. Why are some so afraid and not daring enough to handle what’s thrown across to them. Answer# I am unsure. Probably they don’t wish to get off their lazy self or probably they don’t know how to go about it. It could be anything. What happens in the midst of all this is the opposite person or the task at hand gets affected. An attitude where just let problems sit and figure out a way, doesn’t work well all the time. 

It’s this attitude that shatters a relationship, break ones heart. It is saddening to imagine how some people let go of their precious relationships just because they weren’t bold enough to take a step to save it. I would like to end with a dialogue from this movie I watched yesterday.

Friends with benefits’#

“My guide book is very simple. You wanna loose weight, stop eating you fatty. You wanna make money, work your ass off, you lazy. You wanna be happy , find someone you love and never let them go.”

To all those who are struggling to keep up. It’s time to sit back, re-think of new strategies , put a new perspective and hold onto what’s truly dear to you all……or else be brave enough to cut off and move on. 

Signing off, 

@jen

Moments @ Dorabjees, Pune

Today Monday the 2nd of April, 2018….my cousin Sony and my niece Joana…..we travelled by rick to this exciting place called Dorabjees. It is a shopping mall, it has everything that you need and also the fancy stuffs…First the rick ride was awesome. My niece loves travelling by rick. It feels nice when the breeze flows through your hair, brushes your face, the cars and bikes passing by whoosh….and the feeling of travelling in the open air……so we reached the place. We love chocolate so we went into the fancy choco section and oh my goodness….I wish I had the appetite to have them all. They had all types of chocolates from milky to 54% dark ones…….Lindt in special flavours. Joana is a fan of jelly kind sweets so she went to those shelves. She selected her favourites. Sony moved onto dark chocolate shelf. She is gonna try a chilli and cinnamon flavoured one. I got my MORDE chocolate compound in order to make chocolates at home in my favourite molds. Well nice of Sony to finally say ‘gals let us get out of here or else we will land up buying only chocolates’ lol……she was right. Then we travelled to the first floor……..Now started the fun for Joana. She became so excited with the number of shelves ..she went on talking yippity-yapping and my head began to ache……..I cdn’t focus on what was I looking for in the first place and by the time I get to it in my weirdly wired brain……Joana would come up with another question…..so what is it exactly you are looking for? what does it look like? which shelf would it be in? I was like aaaaarrrggghhhh I myself have forgotten what am I looking for? hehehehhe……though I didn’t yell at her. I kept it to myself until the end where after minutes of yippity yapping she corrected me saying hello it’s not 200 rupees it is 225 rupees…..Oh my goodness……children can be so innocent. She was technically right. I was emotionally charged up…….However my dear niece understood it when I raised my whispering voice and said that’s it Joana……..well you all might feel so bad…….but that’s my niece…..she went ahead and said cmon what I said was right. That’s when I gave up and moved ahead to buy other things. Well Joana selected a beautiful handmade soap for herself. Green tea smell……..It had a refreshing smell……So nowadays there are many products, many fragrances, etc. It is good but also confusing and for a person like me who hates shopping due to the selection process it’s overwhelming. However with  my cousin and nieces help I was able to cross over to the billing section. Here they said that no thick plastics nor cloth bags ma’am. I said oh……and we went ahead carrying the it in our hands…each had many things to hold….it was fun. Our trip back was again in a rick. All 3 of us enjoyed a lot. We also immediately applied the body butter that Sony had bought…..we just waited for it to get billed. hehehhe

Well then rest in the afternoon and by evening my dear little nieces Joana and Julia and my sister-in-law Jisha…….went to Gujarat. Now I sit here in front of this laptop in a house that is silent. Do I miss her yippity yapping…..yes I do. Do I miss my 4 month old in my hands playing with me, yes I do. Don’t we all miss it when it ain’t with us. Humans are moulded that way. All we can do is cherish every moment to the fullest. For today when I look back I am glad I lived those moments to the best possible. Fill your day with all the emotions possible for they are a precious part of you.

Stay blessed and bubbly, my dear readers.

IMG20180402121013_1522656216274.jpgIMG_20180402_190552796.jpgIMG_20180402_123250754.jpgIMG_20180402_133451285.jpg

@jen

 

 

28/03/2018#Outing with niece

A wonderful evening I spent with my little darling….Joana and Julia. They are my brothers daughters. Joana is 7years old and Julia 4months old. It was my first outing with Julia. Since my struggling days with disc prolapse I enjoy home-making and travelling less. So this short evening trip was to Just Casuals almost 5kms from where I stay. We booked a cab and went and shopped for comfy cotton clothes. After that we went to Coffee Jar …..Now here Julia my youngest niece started showing off her tantrums…she didn’t want the bottle milk so she began to cry…we quickly tried to finish our chocolate pastry and cold coffee….Joana , ordered fiery chicken but when she began eating it, that’s when she realised what fiery chicken sandwich really meant….she said hmmm tasty but spicy….so one hand sandwich and the other pastry…. spicy then sweet ,spicy then sweet….lol

Well time passed by, Julia calmed down once we were in the cab back home. On the way back, we were stuck in a long traffic jam. My dear niece Joana says we would have reached faster by rick. All of us looked at her and said dear that’s a rick stuck right in front of us in the same traffic. Hehehe…we laughed…

Now came the time when Joana was wondering what to do, she took her mom’s phone and started playing games. I put my front seat back to completely lie down due to my back pain. My sister-in-law and me were chatting along. We were wondering how long back we would be looking at all the scenery, observing the people ,shops nearby, and I specifically remember drooling and sleeping off in the rickshaw. Those sleeps during journeys had it’s own rejuvenating experience, don’t u think?. Times have changed…people are getting busier and impatient. However there were few who would take this time to talk with eachother. The ones alone would be lost in thought about life probably. A mother started having a conversation with her kid who stood in front of her bike. The others had this frustrated long face. I can’t blame them, they might be in a hurry, tired, some even an emergency….etc.

But next time you are stuck in traffic reflect upon your life or probably pen down thoughts, listen to audio stories, talk to the one beside you or even focus on abdominal breathing(it calms our anxious nerves)….or else keep few chores left to do(pay bills online, to do task,etc).

Hope you all have a different perspective next time you get stuck in traffic.

Stay blessed and loved.

@jen

 

Wonderful times @ Ambala

Finally I reach Ambala. Happy and overwhelmed with emotions I hug my mom and cry out. We all knew it was a tough decision to come home to my family leaving my husband. I was in a broken state and now I needed to continue my journey of healing. Shattered and broken I continued to settle myself in the big beautiful bungalow. Our house was located in a beautiful and peaceful place. My dad loves gardening and he would enjoy planting vegetables, etc. Slowly I started off into a routine of involving myself in whatever light household chores that I could do. This involved helping mom in the kitchen, teaching my niece, walking till the park with her, etc. It was tough however with the support of my family and miracles of my destiny I started to recover, maintain a healthy weight and enjoy my evenings at the park.

Now it is at this place that I met the man who helped me set myself free of the long intuitive voice that I had since my childhood troublesome days. It always said ‘there is something more to your diagnosis which is invisible to the docs yet’.

So my mom and dad suggested that their observance tells them I am having a relapse of depression and that it’s time to meet a Psychiatrist. I was hesitant. I didn’t like shrinks. The ones I met would always be super busy and just ready to jot down some pills for you than listening to your experiences nor exhibit empathy. It took me a while and my family gave me the time. After few weeks I was ready to meet my shrink.

So around October 2016 I went to a psychiatrists clinic. I am waiting there for my turn to arrive, sweating, panicked of how it would be, what would the questions be, etc. Soon my impatient wait came to a stop when I was asked to meet the doc. I was nervous, politely asked him ‘May I come in? May I sit?’

I sat with minimal eye contact. I noticed he wore specs, smart choice of shirt and pen. I noticed the desk super clean not cluttered. Well he looked at me and asked to explain about myself. I thought ‘hey, that’s easy.’ So I began from phase 1 of my life to phase 6. It gave him an idea about my life, my likes and dislikes.

Well let me pause here, you all might be wondering why so much in details. Well in case someone plans to go see a shrink they must know how it feels or how the conversation goes about. Hope this helps whoever is in need out there. You are not alone.

So I observed him observing my behaviour while I was observing his. You see, psychology background does that to someone I guess or else it could just be inbuilt. What I liked about him is that he was a patient listener, empathetic , intelligent(oh my the great big words he would use, I always had them flying past me) hehehehe………and also he was caring. Well he brilliantly put it up to me and my mom that I have borderline personality traits and that depression and anxiety is a part of it. Well of course I felt bad but I felt a sudden rush of peace. My intuitive voice said ‘yes, see I was telling you there was something more to all this’.

So that session ended off well and I promised myself that I will continue with this psychiatrist. He made me feel comfortable being weirdly-wired. My irrational decisions, lost in thought, black and white thinking, mood fluctuations, etc. all was explained.

My next blogs will contain how I battled and continue to battle with this issue. I will also talk about the DBT (Dialectical Behaviour Therapy) self-help book by Matthew McKay, Jeffrey C. Wood and Jeffrey Brantley. This is the therapy book that I am currently using. It is a good one.

So I thank God and my stars for giving me an adorable and intelligent psychiatrist at Ambala. I thank him for diagnosing me and make my soul feel at peace. He continues to help me fight my battle bravely. Thank you doc. Stay blessed and adorable just the way you are.

Few pics of Ambala garden, dads hardwork.

IMG_20170614_053006625_HDRIMG_20170614_053847269_HDRIMG-20170812-WA0047IMG_20170614_053214311_HDRIMG_20170614_053952171_HDR

Thank you folks, for your patience.

@jen


Silence & Growth

I will proceed with my life stories, shortly, however as suggested by my dear hubby I am going to jot down few write-ups as and when they develop in my mind.

Silence, this is something that teaches us a lot. It is needed to move ourselves away from all the noise that surrounds us, once in a while. I would suggest once a week/month, at least . This is not easy at all. This is a moment where you switch off your phones or stay away from it, alone just with yourself. Observing things around you, in the nature. Find YOURSELF, that is lost in this rat race world. When you do this initially it will be difficult as you are constantly used to sound. The sounds within you may force you to carry on with a movie, or watch TV or get lost in the world once again,however embrace this mess. Let it breathe, let it make all the chaos, eventually it will settle down and see the beauty in silence. There are many who stay confined in a room with gadgets surrounding them and not speak much. Nah, that is not what I am talking about. Connect with yourself and nature. Why? To find the beauty and strength within you. 

We are humans , and that is why we falter. That is absolutely fine. However, I feel if we haven’t learnt from our experiences or that of others and grow, then it’s an injustice to this beautiful opportunity called LIFE , given to us.

IMG_20141205_114911 (1)
Signing off,
@jen